Peak Obsession

Hello blog-world! This week I am (I think) entering the all-consuming two week wait. I thought, what better time to write a post about the various ways I try (and generally fail) to distract myself in this time.

Which is genius, really, because one of the ways I distract myself is by writing these blog posts!

  1. Watching way too much TV

Honestly, this one’s pretty easy for me because I already watch way too much TV. In fact, my job actually requires me to watch a lot of TV (yes, really). The problem is, when I am in the TWW, I find my mind wandering even when watching my favourite shows. Enter #2 on the list…

2. Multi-task

The more balls I juggle, the harder it is to obsess pointlessly over every single possible symptom. Playing a game on my phone while watching something is a great way to stop me from checking my calendar to work out my due date.

3. Podcasts & Kindle

What about my loooong daily bus ride, where, thanks to Austalia’s crappy internet it’s just not possible to watch TV? Well that’s where my other loves come into play! I highly recommend The Dollop, Plumbing the Death Star & How Did This Get Made for entertainment-based podcasts. As for books, I’ll basically read anything, but if you need inspiration, let me know your genre of choice!

4. Join a support group

Either in the real world or online. One of the things I’ve discovered is just how many people are going through infertility related issues out there. They have banded together to support each other, and even if you don’t think you need that help, being there to help others can give you a whole new perspective.

5. Write (or paint, or sing)

Do something creative that you enjoy. Even if you’re terrible at it. I love flexing out my poor, under-utilised creative muscles. When I was younger, I used to make up stories all the time for my younger siblings. I haven’t done that for years, and I forgot how great it felt just to put words on paper (or tap keys on my phone).

6. Medical journals

While I wait for my BFP to come along, I try to stay on top of what I can do each cycle to improve my chances. My new specialist is great, but a doctor is always going to give you the bullet points. If you want to understand more about your conditions, you can (and should) discuss it with your healthcare professional. But that doesn’t mean you can’t educate yourself along the way. I have never been all that interested in science, but in the last year I have read so many medical journals and studies about PCOS, insulin resistance, Hashimoto’s and infertility, to try and understand them better so I can make the right changes in my life.

7. Staying healthy

Making the right choices includes getting out there and exercising. My DH & I are going on holidays in July to the US, and we’ll be doing a fair but of hiking. So each weekend, we go for a decent length walk with our parents. It’s impossible to obsess while exercising in the sunshine with loved ones.

8. Obsess anyway

Well, almost impossible. Even with all of the above, I still somehow find time to think about every possible detail, including repeatedly counting how many days until I can test. Why? I have no idea, especially since I’ve generally answered every question a million times a day, and yet still find myself checking my fertility apps or googling early pregnancy symptoms!

This month, I keep calculating and recalculating my potential EDD based on various O-dates, because it would likely be DH’s birthday! I also keep thinking about when I want to start testing & how long I could hold out – the earliest possible day would be Mother’s Day, but do I want to test then & just end up depressed if it’s another BFN?

At the end of the day, I can’t help but fixate on these details. And if I’m completely honest, while it does get out of hand sometimes when I’m debating POAS for the 2nd time in a day, I kind of enjoy it. Because, deep down, as disappointing as this experience can be, as heart-wrenchingly sad… It’s still exciting. I’m still full of nervous anticipation at the thought that this month could be the one. That next year I could be introducing my nephew to his first cousin. That DH & I will get to meet someone who is a part of both of us. One day! Until then, won’t you join me in pointlessly wasting another hpt by testing too early?

baby dust to all xx

 

Expectations v Reality

hello bloggers & bloggees!

I’ve been thinking for awhile about how to word this next post. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or negative. My DH & I are so lucky in so many ways. We live in a beautiful country, we are mainly healthy (aside from my autoimmune issues), we have happy and supportive friends and family. We are so lucky to have been born into such privileged lives.

So I guess the next part is not so much a cry for pity or sympathy, but I just wanted to explain my feelings of disappointment, which obviously stem from a difference in my expectations, vs. reality. And it’s not even entirely conscious expectations. When I am feeling at my lowest (and unfortunately depression does go hand in hand with my conditions, so my lowest can get pretty low), sometimes it’s for no reason at all. Sometimes though, when I really think about it, it’s because of what I feel that I’m missing out on.

And that has everything to do with expectations. I think being aware of that can sometimes help to pull me out of a deep funk, just by reminding myself that in this case, my expectations are too high. It’s not a perfect world, it’s not fair, but I also don’t have to feel guilty for feeling down. I just have to acknowledge why and try to let go & move on.

Really, it’s probably a good thing to constantly be surprised by what the world throws at you, especially when TTC. After all, as any parent will happily tell you (and pretty much every new parent I know had said this at one point or another) NOTHING can prepare you for kids. No matter what you expect, it will be different. You will be more exhausted and your life will change more than you could ever imagine. If you’re a parent, I imagine you might have said something similar…

So, here are the two main expectations that I had going into this that are causing me a bit of grief atm. And here is how I am coping with the realisation that it’s not going to happen the way I thought – hopefully if anyone else is going through this, it might help?

  1. Being able to surprise our friends and family with the news that we are expecting

This one is really tough for me to let go of and even now I’m clinging to the hope I’ll be able to do this with our parents. I had a whole plan in my head for the announcement and I was so excited.

So in the interest of making lemonade, how do I let go of this and turn it around into a positive? I am so much closer with my best friend already, being able to talk to her about this honestly had opened up a whole new aspect of our friendship and made me appreciate her so much more! I am sure the same will happen with my family when it comes to that.

 

2. Thinking I would already have a baby.

Obviously this is the biggie. I thought by now that I would either be heavily preggers or have a baby of my own. This is pretty tough – buuuut on the plus side, I did go out in the last week and eat unpasteurised cheese and processed meats and drink wine and beer. I slept for as long as I wanted when I was sick and had time to myself. DH and I have more time to save up for our dream house and are going on a holiday soon.

That’s just a couple, but this post is already getting pretty long so I’ll leave it there for now.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I now wake up singing to birds and seeing sunshine & rainbows, thinking ‘yay, how lucky I am to have had difficulty TTC’ – I’m just saying this is one way I have found that helps me to cope with some of the negative thought cycles throughout this experience.

ta for now

x

 

 

Friendship and TTC

Hello world!

Today I wanted to write about how difficult friendships become when trying to conceive. It’s not just friendships, actually, almost every relationship in my life has been impacted in some way.

Fpr example, the colleagues casually asking ‘so when are you & DH planning to have kids?’ – completely unaware that in doing so they had triggered a completely irrational response from me, ranging from hope, to anger, or even to depression, depending on the day.

Or, my well-meaning mother and mother-in-law constantly telling me stories about how this person they know who has the same condition got pregnant straight away. We haven’t told them that we’re trying, so of course they mean this to give us hope. They don’t realise that we already know we’re not those lucky ones.

Or even an interfering old woman at a wedding we attended recently, who told us ‘you’ll never know joy until you have kids’.  My thoughts towards her may have been slightly less than charitable…

My point is, this TTC business can be very isolating. I’m only just reaching out to online communities now, and the support from everyone in this world has been phenomenal.

My best friend, on the other hand, I told straight away. She is incredibly supportive as she knows the difficulties we’ve had. And that was awesome, in the beginning. But now – and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this, let alone writing it – now comes a day that is both exciting and horrifying to me. My friend has decided to try in the next couple of months.

Which is so, so exciting, and I truly hope she gets pregnant right away with a healthy baby!!

We could be pregnancy buds! It would be amazing. Except, of course, that I am still getting a BFN every month. And the truth is, I just have no idea how I’ll react if she tells me she’s pregnant before I get there myself. I worry, deep down, that I won’t be able to be as fully happy for her as I should be. That thought, of course, makes me feel incredibly guilty.

That’s what I mean when I say this is isolating. Isolating to the point that it feels like I am being cut off from even the one friendship where I can openly discuss this.  Because how do you say to a friend, I honestl don’t know if I can be 100% happy for you.

Luckily, my rational brain tells me that I have a pretty amazing friend and if my time doesn’t come soon, I’ll be able to have this conversation with her. Unfortunately with TTC it’s not always my rational brain in charge!!

How have your friendships & relationships been affected by TTC? What steps have you taken to stay connected?

baby dust to all

LAS

xx

What’s happening today…

Hey hey world!

So in my first post, I went back to the very beginning of this experience for me. And I will continue to go back and relive some of those early days, but for now I wanted to give an update on where I am right now, today.

This is my current obsession. I’ve been through it so many times before – the cycle of trying, from the first BFN, I enter an insane realm of denial where I excessively google how many DPO people were at when they first got their BFP, or look at HCG charts by days after implantation, to try and convince myself that there is still a chance.

Which is the crazy spiral I find myself in at the moment. I am usually around a 35 day cycle, and even with the PCOS I have found that my AF always arrives around 11 DPO. (Based on our almost 10 months of actively TTC)

I am not temping, so there is no way to know for sure, but based on OPK, left side cramping, and my CM a few weeks ago & ever since, I’m pretty sure I’m currently around 20-21 DPO – & if so, Hubby & I BD’d about 5 times in the fertile window. Either that, or I’ve totally missed my O this cycle.

But every. Single. Test. Is a BFN!! Super clear – and I am using FMU & FRER. I don’t have any AF symptoms at all yet. My bbs usually start to hurt almost a week prior to her arrival, I get some spotting in the couple of days before, my CM turns yellowish (this blog is just going to be full of TMI) – none of which had happened yet. I have a specialist appt next Monday anyway, so now I’m stuck wondering & waiting.

What do you think – do I try to see a GP earlier than that? Do I wait & see what happens with AF? Do I talk to the specialist? DH has to head to the GP this w/e anyway to get the results of his tests.

Logical LAS says that it’s completely irrational to think we’re still in with a chance this cycle, but hopeful LAS is starting to thinking maybe there’s a chance.

Will keep you updated either way in case this helps anyone else out there!

LAS

xx

My saga begins…

Hey world of bloggers and TTC-ers!

I have been struggling a lot lately (read: going completely batsh*t insane) with my whole trying to conceive ‘journey’.

Now, the current level obsession involves a very expensive addiction (I just want to POAS every day) and I thought it it’d be wise to channel that obsession into something a bit more productive. & here we are – I decided that I would write about it, not just to get it all off my chest and therefore siphon off a little of the crazy, but also in the hope that (one day) I will be lucky enough to get my BFP and this will become an inspiring story of hope for others like me!

To kick this party off, I’m going to take you all the way back to the beginning of this adventure.

That’s what it felt like in the first month – an adventure! Exciting! Hopeful! Terrifying! My world was about to be turned upside down, any day now.

Except it wasn’t. And it still hasn’t been, not at any point in the last 9 months, at least. And that has been very… Disheartening. To say the least. But we’ll get to that.

So there I was, 27, newly married to my DH. We had been together for about 5 years when we got married in August of 2014, so he had been right by my side I the early days of my diagnoses (yes, plural – both Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism and PCOS). DH knew that a specialist had once told me to ‘have any kids I wanted before the age of 30’ and so that clock was surely ticking.

Even so, we put it off for the first 11 months of our marriage. I think even though I am a naturally quite negative person, my DH’s optimism had infected me, I was in some kind of bubble – ‘that won’t happen to us, though!’ But eventually we decided that this was it. We were as ready as we could ever be.

We had a holiday booked, our first cruise (spoiler alert: turns out I’m not a huge fan of cruising). So in late June last year (2015) we had our first ‘try.’ Well, our first few in fact.  At this point I had been off the pill for about 8 months, and with my PCOS/Hashi’s diagnosis, I was surprised to find that my AF had regulated (thanks Metformin, diet, exercise and of course, thyroxine!)

It still wasn’t exactly like clockwork each month, but it came quickly enough that month, and the next one, that I don’t know if I even had time to POAS! (Note: my  OBSESSION with TTC has lead to reading many, many forums and picking up a lot of these abbreviations. I’ll do a post on the meanings of all at some point & always keen to learn any new ones!)

Our ‘baby-macation’ had not worked, and to top it off I felt claustrophobic on the cruise ship, and watching all the parents wandering around with their children I got my first taste of the insane jealousy that would creep up on me so many times in the coming months.

I was disappointed, of course. But hey, it was only early, and I had always expected it would take time. I just had to be patient, and stay positive, right?

Easier said than done.

Let me know in the comments – where did your TTC story begin?

Til next time,

LAS xxx