Good afternoon, TTC-ers!
So awhile back, I received an official diagnosis: infertility.
Here’s the strange thing. I have known for a long time that there was a strong possibility this day would come. Ever since I first received my PCOS diagnosis, and then the follow up Hashimotos diagnosis as well, I have been advised by doctors that having children would be really difficult, if not impossible for me. And I naturally tend towards pessimism. Yet somehow, this official diagnosis has completely destroyed me.
That’s how I feel when I think about it, utterly destroyed. I am broken. Why? Not why am I experiencing infertility, I know the medical reasons. Not even why me, although I have those thoughts sometimes, I’m sure we all do. I mean, why do I feel this wrecked by the knowledge?
After all, I don’t know if it’s different overseas, but here, medical infertility just means that you’ve been trying for a year without luck. In other words, it doesn’t really mean anything, other than it being the starting point for finding medical solutions to the infertility. Which, if anything, is a positive. I’ve progressed further along that path of medical solutions now, and while it hasn’t all worked out the way I might have hoped, it is still progress.
Again I come back to this question of why. If the next steps are positive, if I was prepared for this diagnosis, why did I feel almost physically ill at the sight of the word ‘infertile’ in my Dr’s handwriting?
I don’t have a complete answer to this question. All I know is, it’s one thing to know your worst fears are a reality in your heart of hearts, but it’s another thing altogether to see it in black and white on a doctor’s notepad.